Friday, May 10, 2013


Good things:

Losing 10 pounds while lying flat in bed.

Having a clean house.

Watching a bunch of movies.

No work.

Spending so much time with my cats (who are quite pleased with this state of affairs).

My new humidifier and ice shaver.

Chain chewing without shame.

Being waited on--I am such a princess.

Bad things:

Side effects of painkillers.


Grody swollen uvula that grosses me out beyond belief.

Feeling like a nuisance whenever I call my doctor with questions.

Missing May.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

The Sighting

Today I saw my ex-boyfriend for the first time in over 3 years. He didn't see me--at least not that I know of. But it jarred me. 

I was at Liberty Park with my sister, niece, and the dog I want. There was a kind of a festival there, and we walked through it and out into the island in the pond. I was standing and watching ducks and geese. I looked up, and across the way I saw him. He was walking, holding the orange windbreaker he bought at REI when we were together. He was wearing his same brown hiking shoes. His legs slightly bowing in like always. And he was with a girl. I knew he was with someone, and I truly want him to be happy, but it was just gut-wrenching. Why? Nearly 3 1/2 years since breaking up, being so happy we didn't end up together--why did it hurt?

Maybe because I feel like I have stagnated and he's moved on so much. I got to thinking about how much life has changed since he and I parted. 

The last time I saw him was in the driveway of his apartment building in DC. I must have been returning to him something I'd borrowed. I cried. I think he was sort of teary too. We hadn't been together for 6 months.

Then I drove and drove and drove across the country away from him, away from the Boss from Hell--but also away from Centered City Yoga, Big Bear, my former housemates, and the DC 3rd Ward. 

I drove in a daze, spending a night in Chicago and not even able to enjoy it because all I could think about was that boy and a trip I knew he'd taken years before with an old girlfriend. 

At some point, maybe in Indiana or Iowa, I jogged around a Home Depot or Lowe's parking lot in my orange corduroy pants. I jogged then. It was the year I was going to run for 60 minutes straight. I made it to 55, I think. 

I spent a night in Omaha and had a devil of a time getting there. I parked somewhere and fell asleep--I wonder now for how long. It was a dark dark night and my cats wouldn't shut up. 

I got snowed in in Cheyenne, and I must have called my dad. We always got a kick out of the chances of getting snowed in in Cheyenne--it's always happening.

So I came home. I slept outside a lot. And in October I went crazy and have been crazy since. 

I wish I knew what happened. I stopped cleaning, I gained weight. Quite suddenly. And then my dad got sick.

He drove me to work before he got sick. He'd drive and we'd rarely talk.I know I should regret being silent with him on those car rides. But I also don't know how I could have been otherwise. It's okay. It is okay now.

So. It wouldn't be good to see the ex-boyfriend, because I have gotten very fat and I have a burst blood vessel in my eye from barfing my guts out the other day. No fun. 

He and this girl were not holding hands. Maybe she's not as glaumy as I was.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Four years six months plus

I don't entirely know why I am choosing to write again. Maybe a dissatisfaction.

I hate my job. It is upsetting and demoralizing. But doesn't it always come to this? Maybe I am just not a good worker. Maybe I have a strange sense of entitlement.

I just think that if I work 90 hours in a week, I should get some sort of acknowledgement. Instead of radio silence. Instead of annoyance that I dare take days off since I've had a strep since February 24th.

I am about ready to quit. Just quit, start substitute teaching and find some other random job.

Other things that have happened since October 2008:

My boyfriend and I broke up.

I left my job in DC.

I left DC.

I drove across the country with my cats.

I came back to Salt Lake City and became part of a family again.

I started working as an instructional designer.

I gained a lot of weight.

My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma.

I lost some weight.

My daddy died.

I gained 50 pounds.

I live in squalor.

I will probably have my tonsils out.

I think I'm going to go to graduate school to become an elementary school teacher.

My dad really is still part of my life.

I have been travelling around Utah quite a bit.

In fact, maybe this resurrection will include a chronicle of my various jauntings.

Mostly I am tired, sick, broke, fat, lonely, dehydrated, malnourished, blah blah blah.

I have been reading Rolling Stone lately and trying for the first time in my life to know what music is popular NOW. I find I like hip-hop with lots of profanity. It is somehow therapeutic. If I start jogging again, I will jog to this music.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Today's Excitement

I saw an albino squirrel today in Franklin Square. I had never seen one before.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Scrabble and Golf

Why do I lose it when I play Scrabble and golf? Here's why:

Scrabble: I am a purported wordsmith. I got 800 on my verbal SATs. I can write okay. I am better than most of my friends and acquaintances at crossword puzzles. But I SUCK at Scrabble and I am thoroughly embarrassed by the fact. So when I try to play, my embarrassment turns into pettiness and poor sportsmanship and I get as mad as mad can be.

Golf: There are semifamous golfers who share my last name. When I took a golf class in college, my teacher was all excited because he thought I was going to be great by virtue of my last name. I did not do well. I SUCKED. I was so embarrassed that I could not live up to my name, and that embarrassment turned into the poorest of sportsmanship and the most childish of tantrums on the golf course. Since the worst of those tantrums, I took a solemn vow not to play golf ever again. This was in 1998, I believe, and I have stayed true to my oath.

So last night, Himself and I played Scrabble and I was so convinced I could keep my cool. I could not. It was a disaster.

So do I need to take an oath against Scrabble?

Monday, June 30, 2008

Something a friend did

KT Buffy did this, so I thought I'd do it too.

She says:

The Big Read, an initiative by the National Endowment for the Arts, has estimated that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed. How do you do?

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.

I, Lollygagger, have decided just to do step one. I don't know what books I intend to read and I don't like to plan such things. It makes me anxious. And I can't underline on Blogger for some reason, so I'm skipping step three too.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince- Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Another Dumb Thing

So two weeks ago today, I was walking fancy free down the sidewalk and stepped in some kind of shallow depression in the sidewalk, twisted my ankle, and fell. This was not a huge gaping hole, just a small little divot that should not have sent somebody to the hospital in an ambulance. Oh yes. An ambulance.

I don't think I wrote about the last time a dumb injury of mine was blown all out of proportion. Involved at that time were the following: hot turkey stock and several men of various uniformed professions milling around my apartment gazing upon my delicious burned thigh and surely wondering why on earth I had summoned them there. Which I of course had not meant to do. It was a 311 call gone bad.

At any rate, this most recent dumb experience had me stepping in a shallow hole, hearing a snap or crack or something and just knowing I could not get up. I sat in a daze, able to think only that my ankle must be broken and that I needed to let my boyfriend know I wouldn't be able to meet him in Silver Spring to buy socks for my walking half marathon two days hence and of course that I needed to tell my marathon-mate I was not going to be walking from Kentucky to West Virginia anytime soon. My mind was so taken up with letting these folks know what was going on that I just couldn't quite deal with the fact that the folks on the street around me were really and truly calling an ambulance for me. And then the fire truck came. Oh yes. A fire truck. Those firemen, they splinted me and iced me and then the ambulance guys came and put me on a stretcher and hoisted me up into a real live ambulance. I had never been in one before, so I was sort of excited. But mostly I was just wondering how much of this my insurance was going to cover.

Here is what happens when you go to the ER in an ambulance: you get seen really fast. You don't have to wait in the waiting room for 38 years. So I found out rather quickly that my ankle was not broken but rather sprained. And I couldn't help but wonder if I had had enough presence of mind to tell the people on the street NOT to call an ambulance, could I have just taken myself home and iced the thing? Could I have gotten up and walked on my ankle if I'd tried? And would that have been better?

The truth of the matter is, I don't think I could have gotten up and walked right then. My ankle really was all swoll up. But I don't think I got the best care at the ER (shocking). I ended up in a half cast and walking on crutches. The crutches caused me the most excruciating pain I've ever had to endure in my life. That's sounds totally wimpy, but it was just plain excruciating. My arms, my "good" leg, they were miserable. Miserable. I seriously broke down crying on the bus the next day when I for some loony reason decided it was a good idea for me to go to work.

And then a week later... I went to this orthopedist and he put me in the most miraculous air brace that has enabled me to just walk around and be a person again. That week of being on crutches was not me being a person. I just wish I'd been able to go to the orthopedist in the first place. I think I could have been walking in an air brace long ago (indeed the air brace instructions say it should be used as the first treatment). And all of that ambulance and crutches beeswax would never have happened. But hey, it's a good story. And my arms are exceeding buff now.

I guess we'll know if the story and the arms are worth it when I get my insurance statement. Yikes!