Saturday, April 27, 2013

The Sighting

Today I saw my ex-boyfriend for the first time in over 3 years. He didn't see me--at least not that I know of. But it jarred me. 

I was at Liberty Park with my sister, niece, and the dog I want. There was a kind of a festival there, and we walked through it and out into the island in the pond. I was standing and watching ducks and geese. I looked up, and across the way I saw him. He was walking, holding the orange windbreaker he bought at REI when we were together. He was wearing his same brown hiking shoes. His legs slightly bowing in like always. And he was with a girl. I knew he was with someone, and I truly want him to be happy, but it was just gut-wrenching. Why? Nearly 3 1/2 years since breaking up, being so happy we didn't end up together--why did it hurt?

Maybe because I feel like I have stagnated and he's moved on so much. I got to thinking about how much life has changed since he and I parted. 

The last time I saw him was in the driveway of his apartment building in DC. I must have been returning to him something I'd borrowed. I cried. I think he was sort of teary too. We hadn't been together for 6 months.

Then I drove and drove and drove across the country away from him, away from the Boss from Hell--but also away from Centered City Yoga, Big Bear, my former housemates, and the DC 3rd Ward. 

I drove in a daze, spending a night in Chicago and not even able to enjoy it because all I could think about was that boy and a trip I knew he'd taken years before with an old girlfriend. 

At some point, maybe in Indiana or Iowa, I jogged around a Home Depot or Lowe's parking lot in my orange corduroy pants. I jogged then. It was the year I was going to run for 60 minutes straight. I made it to 55, I think. 

I spent a night in Omaha and had a devil of a time getting there. I parked somewhere and fell asleep--I wonder now for how long. It was a dark dark night and my cats wouldn't shut up. 

I got snowed in in Cheyenne, and I must have called my dad. We always got a kick out of the chances of getting snowed in in Cheyenne--it's always happening.

So I came home. I slept outside a lot. And in October I went crazy and have been crazy since. 

I wish I knew what happened. I stopped cleaning, I gained weight. Quite suddenly. And then my dad got sick.

He drove me to work before he got sick. He'd drive and we'd rarely talk.I know I should regret being silent with him on those car rides. But I also don't know how I could have been otherwise. It's okay. It is okay now.

So. It wouldn't be good to see the ex-boyfriend, because I have gotten very fat and I have a burst blood vessel in my eye from barfing my guts out the other day. No fun. 

He and this girl were not holding hands. Maybe she's not as glaumy as I was.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Four years six months plus

I don't entirely know why I am choosing to write again. Maybe a dissatisfaction.

I hate my job. It is upsetting and demoralizing. But doesn't it always come to this? Maybe I am just not a good worker. Maybe I have a strange sense of entitlement.

I just think that if I work 90 hours in a week, I should get some sort of acknowledgement. Instead of radio silence. Instead of annoyance that I dare take days off since I've had a strep since February 24th.

I am about ready to quit. Just quit, start substitute teaching and find some other random job.

Other things that have happened since October 2008:

My boyfriend and I broke up.

I left my job in DC.

I left DC.

I drove across the country with my cats.

I came back to Salt Lake City and became part of a family again.

I started working as an instructional designer.

I gained a lot of weight.

My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma.

I lost some weight.

My daddy died.

I gained 50 pounds.

I live in squalor.

I will probably have my tonsils out.

I think I'm going to go to graduate school to become an elementary school teacher.

My dad really is still part of my life.

I have been travelling around Utah quite a bit.

In fact, maybe this resurrection will include a chronicle of my various jauntings.

Mostly I am tired, sick, broke, fat, lonely, dehydrated, malnourished, blah blah blah.

I have been reading Rolling Stone lately and trying for the first time in my life to know what music is popular NOW. I find I like hip-hop with lots of profanity. It is somehow therapeutic. If I start jogging again, I will jog to this music.